To hate means to once love

To hate means to once love

It is good to be forgiven. It is even better to be the one being forgiving.

Once again, i said some of the nastiest words to her again and broke her heart.

My mum's heart...

Oh my, what have i done again...

You know i couldnt help it. She usually dont wash the plates thoroughly and there will be some detergent stains on the plate. I usually wash my own plates again before eating but i forgot to do so today. Just this once, just once in awhile i forgot to wash it. There was a stain and the smell of the detergent on the plate and i put my rice and my food over it. I had the first few taste of the food before my adrenaline rush over to my head. I exploded in front of her, again.

Till now, i only flare up at 4 people in my life. Flare up as in literally bombard them with the nastiest things you can ever said, the worst. Not the vulgarities like KNN CCB F*** etc. When i mean i really flare up, i literally degrade the person and not hurl human's sexual parts at their face. My father, my mum, my brother and my cousin (only when i was young for my cousin, but not anymore).

You know, i only flare up and get angry with my family members over the slightest thing but not to my friends. For friends and others i will just either hurl back vulgarities to them or give them the silent treatment. No matter how much my friends try to hurt me: backstabbing, spreading false rumours, shun away from my overmanic behaviour in public, insult me, betray me, threaten me or take advantage of my kindness, i will at most bear a grudge on them for awhile or just smile and forget about it. Because some of them just dont deserve me wasting my time and energy over it, cept for a few close friends only. But still, they wont upset me to the extent as to how my family would do.

I flare up at my family because they are SUPPOSE TO BE THE ONLY PEOPLE whom i thought knows me the best. No matter how alienate i become with my brother, no matter how i hate my mum for her cooking and inconsiderate hygiene, no matter how i hate my dad for smoking and turning everyone in the family into passive smokers, i still care for them a lot in one way or another. Sometimes i really dont know, i dont know if they really understand what i really want.

I have enough of people pleasing me within my social circles, i dont need that kind of artificial fake love from my kins. I told her so many times to wash the plates thoroughly if not let me do the washing. She always want to it, she always do everything for us. SHE NEVER LISTENS TO MY WORDS! It makes me feel so worthless in front of her. To my parents, my achievements are all worthless. Being 1st in class, best conduct, top 10, A for all my subjects, CAP 5 (if possible lol), they mean nothing in my life if the people closest to me doesnt share it the way i want them to. What's the difference between someone ignoring you on msn and talking to a wooden block at home. And people just like to tell me saying "you need to understand your parents more." But, who the hell is going to give me a chance and try to understand me?

It's a good thing that i can forget about the bad stuffs the next day. That's why i dont bear grudges for long. But i bear a lot of regrets for a long time, both over myself and the people around me. Changing myself, it's gonna take a longer time then i thought. Got to postpone the schedule again.

No matter what kind of reasons i can come up with to make myself sound right, to say those kind of words out to my family, i have downgraded myself once again to a scum and re-upgrade myself the next day as a normal person like if nothing has happen. Kinship, they are just so durable and unsinkable. I am just like a nuclear submarine trying to sink down my own allied mothership. How low is my karma again haha i forgot.

And the reason i can set myself to flare up with the people closest to me is because i care for them so much. To hate someone that much, it also means that you once love that person equally as much as you are hating them now. I never hate my parents, i only regret that i couldnt meet up to their expectations even after i have met mine already.