Parody in a portrait

Parody in a portrait

As i was sitting down having dinner with my family, my mind kinda wonder somewhere again. It's rare to see all 4 of us sitting together eating dinner cuz we only do that once a year, during the eve of chinese new year. Dad was kinda happy to see all of us eating together and so was Mum. I was kinda doing it half-heartedly cuz i was doing revision and i got call away for dinner, which kinda interrupted my studying mood. It was very quiet during the dinner cuz it was also in a sense quite awkward of us to do that. Dad is thinking bout how nice it was to have everyone eating together. Mum is thinking about how to clean up the dishes later. Bro is thinking about how he is going to play his Left 4 Dead PC game. Me, honestly, nothing.

Just received a sms from Samson wishing me good luck for my exams. Thanks a lot buddy. His exams are over, I envy those people from NIE and NTU for finishing their exams earlier than NUS.

I am kinda devastated today, both spiritually and emotionally. Of course i still act as my normal cheery self but if anyone were to invent some x-ray goggles which allows you to see a person's emotional soul, mine will be shattered. CM2101 test today was a disaster. It was a complete wipeout not just to me alone but also to many of the other chemistry students. Sighz could be heard everyone within the campus. Dr Adrian set a very tough paper for all of us and everyone fell for it. It was his first time setting this paper and it was very different from past years format. Those who did revision with the past year papers, including me, would have realise the difference from heaven and hell. Heaven for past year papers, today's paper is hell. I didnt have time to finish the last question, kinda like lost 90% out of 25 marks on that question. I couldnt even solve any of the questions confidently so it was like error carrying forward to every question. Cant stop, no time to check cuz there were just too many calculations to do. I was punching the calculator non-stop during that 2 hour exam. The atmosphere was tense and my mind kinda blank out. My confident gradient just plunge steep down like the economy market today. Absolutely speechless. I cant believe i did so badly for today's paper. Till the moment Dr Adrian said "stop writing" you can hear the sighz and the silent sorrow filling the room. People were still scribbling the last bit of ink they can write from their pen, completly ignoring the "stop writing" statement, before their script got collected away. Many were shaking their heads. People were flipping their scripts back and forth with many blanks and cancellations everywhere. When the script was collected away from me it was like if i just gave myself a death sentence. Someone jab me with a dose of adrenaline please. Finally we were dismissed and the first sentence people said out was "So difficult" and "I cannot finish the paper" or "No time to finish". Frustrated, sad, disappointed. You could hardly see a confident smile in the room. The only smile that i can put on my face was a smile of me feeling mortified. I want to cover my face and cry. Ethel was smiling too, and so were the others around me. The smile of relieve that the test was over but also hidden sorrows behind a smile. It's all written on the face, sigh.

My group ended the exam early cuz we start earlier. I was waiting for the gang cuz they were all in another room which i heard started late. As i was waiting i could see a lot of different faces in the canteen. People were talking out loudly at how they couldnt have the time to finish the paper. People were saying how they are going to fail this paper. People were shaking their head saying "good bye A+". Craps, there will definitely be people scoring A+. Finally i saw the gang and through the reaction on their face i know what they were thinking about: they are thinking about the same thing as me. Me, Chee Keong and Zhenjian just congratulate each other like if celebrating our failure. Rachel and Adrian gave the shag and "i dont noe how badly i am going to fail this paper" look. Lost, everybody looked lost. Sad, everybody was sad. Everyone put in the same amount, maybe even more effort in studying for this exam but we didnt get back the result that we wanted. However, there's 2 conclusions that everyone came up with in agreement:

1. A+ to those with a confident smug on the face

2. The bell curve will save whoever that did less badly than the other

Yah, dont perform as badly as the person next to you. This feeling that i have now reminds me of the time i score 39/100 for my physical chem mid term test last year. The phobia is haunting me again today. Truly mortified.

I went over to the HKSS open house today as i promise to Yan Hong. I was kinda acting like a bastard at the reception counter as I ask some weird questions about getting the goodie bag. I was telling myself to go away and dont harress Yan Hong and the other councilors but my body and mind wasnt coordinating properly, still in shock from the test earlier. I wanted to go splash myself in the face with water. As i was walking over to the sink i saw familiar faces, Devita and her gang was playing with hand puppets. It was a lively sight to see them having so much fun and i just chit chatted with them for a while. Still the same lively group of girls. Then i saw vixson at the Literature booth which i have no idea wat it was about. I saw toy guns and a laptop, some topic about war and trauma. Trauma, i dont need anyone to remind me about that. I was about to really go to the toilet when i saw this 2C boy whom i relief his class before during my time at HKSS. Didnt really catch his name and much less know about him from BB, same as Dean. And yah he still recognises me. I asked if he has got any brocheres about BB and he said that he will go over and get some for me. An enthusiatic and helpful boy. Following then i saw Yan Hong coming over at the back and i know wat was going to happen later. Got "raped" by him at the back of the canteen and the 2C boy was passing me the brochere, lol. Their mischievious behaviour kinda relieved my mind as i was able to stop myself from thinking about the exam. I didnt stay there for too long, Yan Hong excorted me out of the school gate before slamming me over the head with an empty cardboard. Thanks, i needed that to clear my head off.

Drained, all my energy drained away by the test today. I cant believe how badly i have disappointed myself with my performance today. Well look on the bright side, everyone did badly for the test. Yah i know, but i just cant stand it when i disappoint myself. No one can make me feel even worse except for me and myself alone. My ego is crying.

2 more tests to go. Base on today's experience, i am expecting myself to do as badly as i dont want myself to be for the Organic test on Wednesday. I know, we all know it. Prof Lai already told us. It will be hard, difficult, out of the box type of style. It's almost as good as saying "good luck dying on wednesday". I wont fail the paper for sure, i will just fail to keep up with my expectation.

Life goes on, even on rainy days, when ominous clouds are looming and the sun is not shining. We will continue to give a hand and shelter those in need and walk along side by side. We believe that rainy days will be over soon so dont think about it. I know i know, saying is easy. I have also been through rainy days before, who hasnt. But i know that everyone who is undergoing a rainy season isnt dreaming about a warm sunny day in their mind at that moment.

It's drizzling out here... at least i did get a chance to see happy faces in HKSS, fair enough for today.