Two hearts: too much to ask

This week has not been a rather smooth sailing week at all. Workload in camp was horrible as preparation for the oversea exercise reaches it's toll. The amount of admin work and physical work is high, so high and hectic for a non-ICT period haha. Have spent a large number of time working OT with my friends haha and also enjoying at these every bit of the moment together. It's not easy for all of us to come together and work so yah, it's a good way to bond nicely. It's been nice also hanging out with my friends in camp, i really enjoy this week even though it has been so hard and tiring. Hanging out together with them, is in a sense a whole lot different from the outside. Given a chance, i dont mind all of us staying together in camp to play then to book out haha. At least I dont mind lol, not sure bout the others though. Gonna play my Flyff more now, tomorrow is a big day for me haha.

I have already begin my change in camp bit by bit. I am no longer closing myself too much now, my mentality has finally adopt a change. I use to keep a lot of things to myself not wanting to let people know, hoping to think that someday a special someone will come by so that i can tell everything to him or her. In another way when someone ask me about a personal matter i refuse to open up, which is very weird. If you want someone to know you, one got to speak up. I just keep closing myself and hoping someone would open my mouth yet at the same time choose not to open at the correct moment, arent i contradicting myself? My friends ask if i want to extend my service date in camp. The grass may be greener on the outside but is it any fresher then the inside? In the past i wanted to do so cuz i want to spend more time with my friends in camp and have fun together, but now i am not sure. It's not that i dont want to be with my friends, i am searching for something. Yes, i am searching for a meaning for me to extend my service to be with my friends. To be honest, if i say that i were to extend my service just to be with my friends in camp, i am a fool. I like my friends, but what's the meaning of liking them if i dont see a purpose of my presence around them? If i were to extend my service, how would they react? Will they be glad that i stay? Will they acknowledge my worth in staying with them? Are they really sincere about wanting me to stay? What do i mean to them if i were to stay? All these questions that i am asking are not answerable. I am searching for something that doesnt seem to exist, well technically not visible to the naked eye. I am searching for a touch of sincerity, a heart that i seek that is truly sincere and truthful. Sincerity from the heart, a touch that none can feel so much. It takes a whole lot of effort to just extend the service, not by words or actions alone. It takes time and acknowledgement for someone to ascertain a person's sincerity. I dont mind extending my service, but i must proof to myself that my extension will mean something around my friends and not just a living body to see and touch. I am not a puppet. I may be asking a lot, i may wonder too much. However all my worries and imaginations are not for granted. All my thinkings are so passive and real, they are relevant for me to evaluate my purpose in life and the friends i have make. So many friends around you, how many do you feel sincere about them without them giving you a compliment or fancy gifts? How many have actually touch your feelings through your life? You cannot measure sincerity with anything, you need a heart to feel it. One of my officer in camp make a very profound comment that makes me ponder a lot. He said that those who are truly willing to stand by your side no matter rain or storm, those are the people that you can truly believe in life. To respect them, that is the least you can do to acknowledge their presence. If i were to really stay, how many are willing to stand by my side? I really appreciate that they voice out the question asking me to stay and i am flatterd, but i need more time please. I need more time to justify my meaning, so proof me wrong guys and i want to feel sincerity, not materialism or compliments. I can be nice most of the time, i can be nice to everyone but i cannot be too nice to myself. Cuz if i were to be too nice to myself, then i will lose my discipline and every bit of my acknowledge in life. I can be fair to everyone but unfair to myself. When i saw everyone working so hard today outside and all i can do is just sit in my office, manning it doing almost nothing at all. I feel so useless and helpless while my friends slog outside. I hate to be discriminated, why must they make me feel so unfair to them. I hate my job, i HATE IT cuz it diminishes my value. It contradicts my own discipline in life making me feel so bad. Yet i cant blame myself for all these issues, it's the nature of my job to be this way. If my friends cant understand my work then i have nothing to say. All i can say is that i hate the nature of my job. I just want to be with everyone but my job is confining me to myself even more in camp. I am sorry guys....