Sitting on the fence

I am really confuse......

Life during the holidays is fun. Lots of downs and lots of ups, i seriously enjoy each and every second of my life. I am always by the side of either 2 things: Mum or computer. I will never leave mum alone and i want to spend all my remaining time with her whenever possible. I dislike my life a lot and sometimes i wonder if i choose the wrong step.

Christmas is coming, i pray for nothing but myself. I am a very selfish person and i just want to be happy. I dont think i can be as happy as i can be now. Beside being alone or with mum or my computer, i have already begin the next step of my life: relationship

The holidays are indeed rewarding. I have met lots of new friends and some are really unexpected. The more i grow up, the more i hate to be alone. Once i thought tat being alone wasnt tat bad after all. No friends to drag you down, no worries about betrayal. However, life isnt complete without any person beside you. The more the holiday drags, the more i want to say out the truth. But i am very scared, cuz i am afraid that i will lose away whatever i have now in exchange for truth. I dont like to take risks, but if i dont risk it i may never get a chance to realise my happiness. I want to be happy too, i am tired of making ppl around me happy. Whose gonna make me really happy?

The more i think about you the more i hate myself. Your image refuses to leave my mind. I have both hatred and love for you, agonising and excruciating. I have so much things i want to share with you and i can think of no one but you. Is this the so call love poision? If so than i must be falling really sick from this, really really love sick.

You said before that we can only be nothing more than just friends, but do you noe tat i dont want to be just friends with you? Even so i am still living in a constant state of denial, cuz i just really really like you.

Sweet dreams teddy, stay cute my favourite teddy bear cuz i wanna hug you all by my side.