A new year for 2009, but not happy to be

A new year for 2009, but not happy to be

Dont worry i am not being emoish now. In fact i am more of the sarcastic bitchy usual self. Time for a long post. If you dont want to read i would rather u scroll down and just read the last paragraph haha. This picture is cute haha

Time flies. It is time to usher in a new year for 2009 and farewell to 2008. 2008 has been a well how should i phrase it, roller coaster year for me. It's not all nice but neither was it all that bad. Let me just list out a few of the happy and memorable moments for year 2008:

-Promoting to Year 2 in NUS was great. It's good to be a senior but workload aint fun

-Reliefing teaching at HKSS and knowing the 2A students was the best. Opens up a whole lot of new experiences for me. Best experience for the year i would say.

-Chalet was fun, both with my uni friends and with class 2A, with different experiences each

-Pop up breakfast/lunch by Yanhong during my exam period. Free meal and a treat, lol

-A hell lot of Kbox experiences with everyone especially with my 2A students, simply wonderful

-Shooting experience for Fighting Spider scene thanks to Dean's introduction, an easy way to earn money too

-Birthday celebration with Mother and Queenie and the time at Marriot Hotel, love the cam-whoring moments

-Outing and drive around moment with Samson, Fizah, Huda and Kitty, dont get lost on the road again haha

-Help out moments during lab session with my uni friends, trading lab reports like fanatics haha

-My birthday celebration together with my uni friends, really appreciated their effort =)

-Flyff mad and 2x EXP dashing experience with my online friends, ivan2, xxwickedxx, NekoChan and BefelPL, love them from the other side of the world

The time with them will be carried over to the new year as memories. A short moment of happiness goes a long way as memories. Eventually, everybody will move on with their own lives. Happiness on the surface or i would call it as surface happiness, shallow and partially contented. They make you forget about some of your pestering problems for a moment and learn to live by yourself. I need a moment of peace once in a while, a bit of havoc-ing is nice. It is never accurate to see things from the surface as it is. The surface is always placid but deep down inside, turbulance are always boiling. Thanks for the surface happiness i really appreciate them with deep sincerity whenever i am with everyone. Inner happiness are a bit harder to fulfil.

I may look like if i am a shallow person when i am actually not
I portray a hypocritical image when my intentions are misread
First impression means a lot during first encounter with people
I am not who you think i am when we first met
And i am still not who you think i should be when you finally know who i am
I wont say thanks to you for coming into my life
I would say thanks for wasting our time, my time, for trying to know each other better
When you haven know the better side of me completely, you got intimidated by the bad side
I was never shallow in the first place, you are.
Dont assume when you think you know someone inside out.
I presume you as a shallow person, when you think i am just funny and giggly outside
I am just being nice, not an idoitic malfunction laughing machine that please people
You picked a wrong card right from the start
So ask yourself deep down in your heart
Was it ever a good start after all knowing this person as someone whom you thought to be

I have been doing a lot of self-reflection during this holidays apart from just enjoying myself. I really love Season 4 of Desperate Housewife, it opens up a lot of thinking on how i should see myself. I always thought tat Bree was the ideal housewife for me. The perfectionist, always right, always having it her way and doing everything to portray her own set of happiness. I was wrong, i was never like Bree because i only thought she was the right one for my personality. I am not Bree, i am Katherine. After watching the previous episode for Desperate Housewife after i pang-seh the farewell dinner for Guang Rong, the truth about Katherine shocked and enlightened me. Yes, i would say tat my personality fits like an enzyme/substrate lock-and-key hypothesis with Katherine. She is always one way like Bree with a twist. She was never shallow as a person and neither was she a hypocrite. I know her role very well because it reflects a lot about me. I didnt just change taste because i am sick or found someone better than Bree, i just found a perfect reflection of me in real life.

It is might not be easy to forgive and forget, but it is always difficult to understand the meaning behind every intention. We preach forgiveness and forgetting about the past like a pastor, but we cannot understand the reason behind it. Why? It feels really sickening of me to do the explanation over and over again when people dont understand the reason behind it and just want to dig it up as gossips or something to rub on in the future. I wonder to myself: "why do i even bother explaning so much?"

I reason with myself again and again, and explain to the people around me over and over again. I never expect them to understand my intention completely. They granted me forgiveness when i wish they can understand me even more. The more i try to defend for myself with reasons, the more they think of me as a hypocriti and shallow person who does things for his fair share only. I can come up with a gazillion reasons to fend for my intention and make myself feel better. I am always the one being the understanding guy when the sea of people around me expects me to understand them and taking it for granted. I have learn to be understanding since young, i need to and i am force to. I always see things in a bigger picture. The closer i am to a person, the more there is a need for me to come up with more reasons to maintain the status-quo. When too much reasoning becomes too obvious as me being shallow, the status-quo is broken.

There are times when i wish that i can just say "No" and i expect people to understand the reasons behind it. Some of them will ask "Why dont you tell me the reason behind it so that i can understand?" Nobody will be that brainless to ask that straight in the face but if someone were to ever ask me that, i will say "Because i dont want to tell you and i dont feel like telling you and i dont feel that there is a need for you to know either." Sounds harsh, but i didnt mean to when i say that. When somebody doesnt want to say out certain things, it is better not to poke deeper. The problem may lie partly with you, but the main problem is still from me. Dont ask, your silence brings harmony in my life. Maintain the status-quo and dont push it.

The more reasons i come up with, the more it shows how you dont understand about me. It's like 2 parallel lines never being able to converge at a point, i want to stay parallel but you always want to be the bisecting perpendicular line. Dont bisect into my world when i never want you to. You can think of whatever you want of me as a person.

To end it off, dont think of me as a pathetic loser who doesnt have anyone to understand me. Duh, i do have friends who understands me completely or 99.99% haha. It's just tat i expect more people to understand and those whom i thought should know more about me didnt meet up to my expectation. I was disappointed by them for thinking of me this way. I dont need to hear words of you saying that i am shallow, your actions already gave it away. I guess some people will just remain as it is while life continues. You continue to meet new people around you and who knows, someday he or she might get to be your closest friend ever. Like i said, it's not about the age or the time or how long you know about that person, it's all about the initiative, understanding and a bit of luck. I guess i just ran out of luck haha.

Yah lah i know i know
I lie and i cheated and i lie a little more
You got use to hearing it and i got use to saying it
You are right and i am wrong, you win
End of story
I am guilty, period
You are red

You know a bit more now
I liked it and you know i will not forget about it
You know how i will say once in a while and ask a bit more
You know i could be right, or i could be wrong
Sometimes you end the story and i end my story
I am partially guilty
You are green

You know completely or almost completely
You do not like the way it is and you refuse to understand
You wonder why i still continue to do that
You know i am wrong but you force yourself to think that i am right
You dont want to make me feel too bad
You are blue

But you still like me the way as i am
You understand completely and accomodate to my ways
I understand you too
You know when i am right and when i am wrong
You dont mind the way i do things even if it feels weird
You try to understand and now i know
You are pink

You have no idea what i am talking about
Ok lah i call you white, you can skip to the next paragraph now haha.

The new year resolution are always the same. They never change, it's always the same few resolution. I always ask for:

-More money
-Making my parents happy
-And better grades for our (mine and bro) studies

I dont see a need to explain the rational behind it and i dont see a need to write it down on my blog in the first place. But since it's the welcoming of a brand new year, i might as well just say it for the sake of saying zzz. Like i said, i am never a shallow person just because i always yearn for more money and fantastic grades for my exam. Gosh, why do i keep thinking that people around me think of me as a shallow person haha. Maybe i feel guilty. Partially guilty only, i am more of disappointed. I dont need pities and neither do i need your sympathy. I dont need you to feel empathy about me too. Because when i know that some people refuse to understand about me when i want them to, my heart just feel as empty like if i know them for the first time. Duh, you expect me to cry out loud just because i lose a best friend meh, you must be crazy zzz. Good riddence sia haha and yah i carry hatred over to the new year also btw. Out with the old and in with a new, machiam like changing clothes in the wardrobe. I can be pretty emotional once in a while but hey, i am damn rooted to the practical ground once i snap out of it. PS: i didnt lose a best friend or any friend hor i am just illustrating only, lol.

Enough of the "knowing me as a person preaching," time to get down right practical. Do you REALLY think that it is going to be a Happy 2009 year lol. I DONT THINK SO BROTHER! Only the optimist will think that way haha. As the mundane shit continues the following year, more problems are coming. It is more like ushering a year of disappointment than happiness lol. But we all need to find hope in our life, even for just a moment. Alright i will play along with the finding hope game, hurray hurray at 12am to a Happy New Year to 2009. Now lets get right to shit business cuz God aint granting you a happy new year just because some calander listed it as a Happy New Year holiday on 1st January every year. Time to plan my bloody timetable and slaughtering everyone at the CORS bidding. I still dont know which level 2 modules to clear or which science module to clear for my Honour's faculty requirement. I am running out of level 1 module sia and lvl 2 science modules are like SUICIDAL DUH! Should i clear my fac requirement first or just settle my way with a simple arts module and SU it away for my UE requirement. Tsk tsk, so confusing haha. Life as a uni student sucks when i need to do everything by myself. The teachers were right when i was young, it is better for you to learn to be independent than for someone to teach you how to be independent.

There are just so many things that needs to be done in the Year 2009. So many problems yet so little solutions to it. If only people would just share a thought for everyone and think lesser for themselves, the world will definitely be a better place. It's not like i want to be sarcastic for a moment and than speaking up like UN on another hand. I just feel that if everybody or if most people can just adapt to changes and not expect the changes to suit their adaptation, people around would smile at you sincerely rather than just sticking a slice of orange in their mouth. It's ironic to see how some people spend their life to make people around them feel thankful and they dont feel a shit about your effort by taking it for granted.

And yes i know, wow wall of text again. Dont bother reading and just skip it lol. Haha, if some people could just understand without me explaining certain things, i am sure my blog post will be a lot shorter and neater. For god sake its a brand new year coming and if you still dont know me or dont like the way i do things, i will gladly usher you out of my life in 2009 haha. Eh seriously, i meant that lol. Tsk tsk again, the way i do things can be so eccentric. Than again i never expect you to understand complete. Just understand it the way i want you to understand it, tat will be my latest 4th resolution for the year of 2009. Btw i am NOT EMOING, duh i hate to emo haha. It's just that at some point i will plunge into depression and the next day i am up and running like normal again. I would call it self-reflection, not emoing. I like elmo but i dont like emo lol. But really, it's hard to find people who can understand and accept the way who you are. They are really the rare gems in our life. They will know the efforts that you make and if you fail to meet up to their expectation, they will understand and not procrastinate. Meeting the correct person under a sea of constellation, they truly brighten up your life. Dont be disappointed if you haven found one yet, someday somehow and somewhere, they will appear. I promise you that =P

Once again a happy new year to everyone. Time to get one with the mundane shit LOL.

Small minds condemn anything they dont understand.